I feel like it’s been a while since I have been REAL. You know, really real? Something has been stuck in my head for a while now. Meghan made the comment to me several weeks ago telling me what a rockstar I am for all that I do– running, blogging, working full time, raising a family, etc etc.. and I’ll be honest. I don’t feel like a rockstar at all. Most days, I go to bed thinking of all the tasks I didn’t complete and how I didn’t make the most of my time. How I let my ADD (yes. I have that if you haven’t caught on.) get the best of me and become distracted from the task at hand.
I am currently drowning in blog posts that I need to write, and I sit down and have no desire to do them. My house stays in a constant state of disaster. The laundry is never ending. Those things stress me out to no end. Clutter makes me feel claustrophobic. Claustrophobia will send me in a straight up panic attack. I feel guilty for not putting enough time in my training. But then I feel guilty for not spending enough time with the girls when I train.
Monday night, I skipped my workout to cook dinner because John asked me to. It took me an hour and a half to cook. Then, the girls wouldn’t eat half of what I fixed. To top it off, I tripped over a groceries that have been sitting in my kitchen floor for TWO WEEKS. I completely lost all coping mechanisms and just flipped out on everyone. It took me 45 minutes to clean up the kitchen by myself, because let’s be real, NO ONE wants to be trapped in a small area with someone who is currently going bat shit crazy and throwing pots and pans around.
I know I have to trim the fat on my life, but what or where? It’s hard to cut out those things that once brought you joy.
For Mother’s Day, I received a manicure and pedicure already set up with an appointment for my day off this week with my best friend. (Yes, our husbands coordinated it. It’s okay to be a little jealous.) She asked me if I wanted to go to lunch after. Of course I do. That’s something we NEVER do. But I hesitate because I have so much shit to do at home. None of it is pressing, but I am so tired of it needing to get done.
Basically, I feel like I am just treading water to keep my head above water. My brain is fried on all things. I feel like I am currently half ass doing everything that needs to get done and not putting 100% towards any one thing.
So, if you have suggestions for how I can make better use of my time or perhaps you are on the up and up on that cloning technology, I am all ears.
What do you struggle with?
We all have those days, right? Where our kids are absolutely driving us insane. The days that you want to hide in the bathroom with your iPhone and a bag of chocolate just so you can play on Twitter and Pinterest? No? Don’t tell me it’s just me…
Anyway. See that adorable little girl? Well.. she is trying my patience. And if either of us live for her to see 18, it’ll be nothing short of a miracle. She argues. She back talks. She does what she wants even after being told no. I’ve taken away iPads, tv shows, even getting a vote on dinner. Her attitude is getting better, but the general arguing.. it’s enough to drive you to drink. But let’s be real… in a battle of wills… I will always come out the victor. I basically invented the game of being stubborn. So, my M.O. has been to stay on top of her attitude. Constant correcting. Which means.. I feel like I’m constantly yelling at her. That I never say a kind word to her. That I am over her shoulder telling her what a crappy job she is doing. (Okay. Not LITERALLY that last one.. but it sure starts to feel that way.)
John says, “You just need to calm down with her.” Me: “But she just doesn’t LISTEN to me.”
Prime Example: Easter morning. Girls come into our bedroom, I am (TMI coming) peeing in the bathroom, and ask Addy if the Easter bunny left anything. She obviously has forgotten that part of Easter, and her eyes light up. I said, “go stand by the bed with Daddy and we will all go look together in just a minute.” I come out of the bathroom. John is on his iPad with Claire laying next to him… no Addison. Me: “Where’s Addison?” J: “uhhhh.. *he yells* Addison!” She comes running in. At this point, in my pre-caffeinated state, I completely lose it. I start yelling, “I told you to come in here and stand by the bed for 2 seconds! Why couldn’t you wait?! Did you hear me say that?!?!” Yes, she responds. So, I spanked her. (GASP. Yes. I spank my children.) I was just appalled that I had to spank her BEFORE we’d even had a chance to look for the Easter baskets. It was the same ol’ song and dance through getting ready, going to church, and getting through the traditional Easter pictures.
I was exhausted by the time lunch came around.
Then, Sunday night, I was reading on her iPad, and I got started talking to John and scrolling through her pictures on there. You see, she loves to take pictures of herself and especially video.. mostly How To videos… much like you would see on YouTube.. obviously my daughter is a vlogger in the making. But as I was watching her little videos, I heard myself SCREAMING at her in the background. She obviously was NOT putting on her shoes like I was asking… so, yes. I was right (Aha!). But I was absolutely horrified. Is that what she hears out of me? The next video.. while I am not screaming, I am not being very nice. I know I was in a hurry and needed them to hurry.. but they didn’t know that.
After watching those videos, Hubs turned to me and said, ” This is not the relationship you want with her. You have to change the way you react.”
So, I have been fighting every fiber in my being this week and trying a more mellow approach to my eldest.. I’m still correcting what she does wrong or when she misbehaves.. just a little less high pitched version. I don’t want her to tune me out. I want to have a good relationship with her. But I also want her to have manners and be kind. Sometimes, I need to remember that she is just 6 years old and not 16, like she wishes. She is still a child and should be allowed to be a child. There has been less drama with her, and I think she’s been a little kinder to her little sister… so. We shall see where this takes us.
I have had a few WTF motherhood moments this week…
Monday, my mom picked the girls up and took them to Chick fil A for a snack and to play. Turns out that Addy KISSED a BOY on the playground. She doesn’t even know his name. Never seen him before. Ummm.. WHAT?! This proves to be a problem for the future and I am going to need some Xanax for it.
I finally got Buddy the Elf out on Monday night. I was so proud that he decorated the girls pink Christmas tree.
He was out for all of 30 minutes before Claire comes to tell me that Addy touched him. Well, the elf loses his magic if that happens. Addy is telling me she didn’t touch him and Claire is saying she did. Given Addy’s history of lying, I am not believing her. I try to explain to her that Buddy can’t get back to Santa if he loses his magic… nothing. I am so put out when it’s time to leave for school. Then? I find this:
This is not mine. I start questioning the girls since it was on the bench that their school bags were on. Addy says it doesn’t belong to her. Claire says Addy took it from mom’s. So I ask Mom if she has seen it. Nope. I ask John. Nope.
So, in an effort to inspire their conscious, Buddy doesn’t move Monday night. Tuesday morning, I question the girls again. Still standing firm with their answers.
Addy gets a little ‘tude with me and Redneck Mommy came out. But you know what? She scared the crap out of the reds and I got some answers.
Turns out, Claire was lying. Addy *almost* touched Buddy. I made C apologize to Addy. Also? Claire stole the ring from her teacher. SERIOUSLY?! So, I made her apologize to Addy again. Then, I apologized to Addy for not believing her.
Man, motherhood is hard sometimes.
Also? That creepy elf needs an instruction manual for when things pop up that I have no clue how to answer. I’m not the best with lying and when Addy pips up with “You tricked us! You decorated the tree!!” I start stuttering and looking around for someone to throw me a life raft.
Y’all. I don’t normally blog on Saturdays, but I’ve got my cranky pants on. If I am being honest, they’ve been on since Thursday.
I keep trying to be all, “Rach, WHY are you cranky? You should fix whatever it is, so you can be your regular sarcastic self, instead of a bitch from Hell.”
Let’s have a look at all the things that are currently stuck in my craw.
1. The kids fighting. Addison back talking. Addison not listening. I was forced to take all enjoyable things away from her last night like her ipod touch, her tv privileges, and her coloring privileges. (If we are being honest, I thought she was going to shoot daggers out of her eye balls for that last one. It came to me as a last minute stroke of genius.)
2. I’m still greatly irritated by the punks who got in our cars and stole J’s wallet and my ipod. RUDE. Karma will come back and bite you.
3. I’m irritated with running. Specifically, why isn’t it easier? I just want to be fast without putting in any work. Is that too much to ask?!
4. I’m also irritated with my nostril/sinuses. I gracefully sucked half of the pool into my right nostril this week swimming, and while you’d think a nice chlorine sinus cleaning would help, it just in fact, causes that sinus to drain continuously, which means you get ZERO sleep because you cannot breathe.
5. Addison did NOT get into the school that J camped out overnight for. Therefore, we are forced to send her to private school. I would rather cut off my right arm than send her to the school we are zoned for.
6. The fact I got up at 5:15 to go run the Midnight Run course to see if I could run it under 30 minutes. (Okay, that part doesn’t irritate me.) But, I passed a lady. AND. FELT. BAD. ABOUT. IT. WHAT?!? That is the exact opposite of being a competitive runner. Which, I think we all know, that I am not. I don’t want running to hurt. Too bad it does. And I finished it in 30:50. UGH.
7. Same lady I passed, while I was stretching, came up and said something about me cutting off one of the turns. (Apparently, I took a turn early, following my path back.) I didn’t know I did this. My distance was the same, but it made me miss a small hill (the course is quite hilly, anyway!) She must have made the comment 10 times, which made her little running buddies also say something about it. Geez, people. Does it really matter?! It’s the same damn distance. Get over yourself. I would have said something, but these people were a good bit older than me. Sometimes I wish I weren’t brought up in the South.. all those manners.
8. I’m still jacked that I planned to go to spin on Thursday, thinking it started at 6, and it actually started at 5:30. Therefore, I was forced to run on a treadmill. When, I didn’t want to run at all. I wanted to spin.
Zac. I thought you were my boyfriend. This is not okay. We only wear Crimson. Well, generally, you aren’t supposed to wear shirts, but this is just unacceptable.
Help me, people. What the crap is wrong with me?!
While I am not showing you all 99.. I am showing you a few of the gems we have. This is why you hire a professional people! Which is what I really need to do. But I am stubborn.
|This is just a Hot Mess.|
|John is giving the air gun to someone…|
|Could have been cute if it weren’t for those stupid glasses.|
|Claire has found a present for you.|
|C is frightened by how horrific this is turning out.|
|Addy is clearly over this. And John is about to blow a gasket|
|Who are these kids?!!?|
|Clearly I am arguing with Addy about her pink camera. John looks more like a Blues Brother than Clark Kent|
|Oh What’s that, Rachel? You smelled a fart?|
|John says it looks like I have scoop like Lois Lane.. I think I am smelling more farts.|
This is my Me Monday picture.. on Thursday.
Where has this week gone? Claire started Pre School on Tuesday and I finally got back into my running shoes today. My goal was 5 miles. Around mile 2, I started getting these headaches I get when I run. I’m not sure if I am dehydrated or not getting enough oxygen, but they won’t go away until I stop and take some Motrin or Alieve. Also, a new ailment poked it’s ugly head out. A slight knee pain just below my right knee. It isn’t killer, but definitely bothersome. Any ideas what that could be and how I can fix it?? Anyway, I didn’t get 5 miles done.. it was 2.45 and I am beating myself up about it.
So, the Disney Princess Half is less than 2 months away. I feel like I am slightly better trained this go ’round, but nowhere where I need to be. Life keeps getting in the way. I realize that running should be a priority and it is, but my family and children come first, so, I guess guilt is what is getting in the way. Having to leave my girls to go run seems so selfish to me. But honestly, I feel like I could tear the walls down if I don’t get those running shoes on. I am mean and snappy and I honestly don’t sleep as good.
Claire turns 2 this weekend… I am not ready for that either. On a happier note, (because I feel like this is turning into a poor, pitiful me) I am really getting some stuff done around the house. New pillows, new ottoman, finishing up decorating the girls room. I still have the playroom to do, but I am trying to slow down and relax a little. These projects are consuming me.